It's No Wonder, You Feel You're Going Down
by Fight-sister-fight
Summary: "She has a faint idea what her daughter is coming to do, but she does not want to hear any promises or excuses when Nicky still smells like marihuana." One-shot about Nicky coming to Red after movie night in 4.10 (Bunny, Skull, Bunny, Skull).


A/N _The relationship between Red and Nicky is one of the most fascinating things on the show for me. I was so glad Nicky got back from max! This fic takes place after 4.10, when Nicky smokes weed after Red has banned everyone from selling to her. I was a bit disappointed by Red's lack of involvement in Nicky getting clean, so here's my take on how this develops._

 _This is my first fic (though I have been a long time reader). Please forgive me for any mistakes, English is not my mother tongue._

* * *

 **It's no wonder, you feel you're going down**

When she hears someone shuffle towards their cube, Red immediately knows it is Nicky. She doesn't know what time it is. Late probably, but she hasn't slept well in weeks thanks to her new bunkmate. She has a faint idea what her daughter is coming to do, but she does not want to hear any promises or excuses when Nicky still smells like marihuana.

She can feel the tension radiating off her daughter, but the bushy-haired girl doesn't enter the cube. Red lets her sweat it for a minute or two and then whispers harshly: 'What are you waiting for? The train? Either get in or leave before someone catches you.'

Nicky is startled by her voice. She opens her mouth and to Red's big surprise she starts crying. Hard. Red sits up in her bed and in the dim light she sees how Nicky's face scrunches up. Big sobs escape her mouth and tears are rolling down her cheeks. And she is making _far_ too much noise.

Several inmates are shushing, so Red beckons the girl to come closer and Nicky falls right into her arms. She sobs against Red's neck and Red smells her hair. It's still damp, but even so it carries a scent that is uniquely Nicky. The smell of weed has been washed away.

'I'm sorry, ma. I'm so sorry I disappointed you again.'

Red pats her daughter's back but pinches her cheek with the other hand. 'Ssh. Cry silently if you must. You know how it is now with Piscatella watching every move. Stop making all the noise.'

'I can't!' Nicky is panting and her face is a mess of tears and snot.

'Yes you can. Stop the drama, Nicky.' She knows her bunkmates are listening. She curses this hell hole where there is not a single moment of privacy, but she knows the new ones won't tell on her. Nor will Chapman.

'Breathe in, breathe out.' She rubs the girl's back and feels her calming down a bit. Red grabs a tissue from the box underneath her bed and wipes Nicky's face.

'I'm not disappointed in you, Nicky. Why do you think I bribed every dealer around here not to give you anything?'

'So you're not disappointed because you expected me to screw up?' Nicky asks with big sad eyes.

'Whisper more quietly,' Red admonishes. 'I knew you would try to get drugs. That is the disease.'

She can see that her daughter is not assured. She sighs and wonders how she got so soft.

Before Nicky, she would never have tolerated this from any of her girls. Two strikes, Russians don't play baseball. But she knows that Nicky has never received the unconditional love that every child deserves. She calls all the girls 'her family', but with Nicky it runs deeper. Nicky had needed a mother when she came in, someone who took care of her. Someone who gave her limits, who told her when enough was enough and when to keep her mouth shut. But also someone who listened to her sarcastic chatter, who laughed about her jokes and who enjoyed her smart-ass commentary on prison life.

The bond between her and Nicky has always been strong. Nicky depends on her and she depends on Nicky as well. And she knows that she could never leave Nicky to deal with her addiction on her own. Not after she has just returned from max. And especially not after Tricia.

'I know you will always want drugs. But now you have to be strong.' Red tells her daughter. 'You'll detox and then you'll stay off of it. It will get easier every day. This isn't max, we will all help you.'

'I was clean in max,' Nicky says quietly. Red raises an eyebrow.

'I was. Really!' Nicky's voice goes up and Red slaps her arm as a reminder to speak as quietly as possible.

'I got my three year chip. But it was so horrible in there. I felt so lonely. I thought I would go crazy. Taslitz was the only one who was even remotely nice to me and she's a fucking axe murderer. And then a few days ago... They made me clean Sophia's cell. There was so much blood, Red. So much blood. I think she is dead.'

Red feels her daughter getting agitated again and tries to calm her down.

'It's okay, honey. I don't understand drugs, but I understand you needed an outlet. Like my cooking and gardening.'

Nicky sniffles. 'You mean bossing around and plotting?'

Red smooths her daughter's wild mane of hair. 'Watch your mouth, little girl.' She pauses. 'It's okay, Nicky. It happened and now you will stop. We will go through withdrawal and focus on being clean. The whole family will help you. You are not alone anymore. I'll teach you cooking and gardening to distract you.'

She smiles her smug Russian smile and Nicky rolls her eyes.

'You will go to AA again. ' Red continues. 'The first days will be hard. But I'll help you through it. You'll be clean from now on.'

'I'll try my best.'

Red's hand shoots out and pulls hard on her daughter's wild hair. 'Oh no, none of that. You don't try. You _will_ stay off of it. You understand me?'

'Yeah, ma. I'm sorry. I love you.'

Red feels her eyes tear up. She sits back against the wall and pulls Nicky towards her.

'I love you too, sweetheart. Nothing will ever change that.'

Nicky opens her mouth, but doesn't speak. Red can feel that there is something she wants to ask, but for once she resists the urge to poke and lets Nicky decide for herself whether she wants to voice her question or not. And eventually her girl does ask.

'Why didn't you kick me out of the family?'

'You are my daughter. I would help you detox again and again. I was too hard on Tricia. You can't imagine how sorry I am for that.'

She pauses and thinks of Tricia, lying in a prison grave. Only nineteen years old with her whole life ahead of her. She was Red's daughter too and Red knows she has failed her badly. She will make sure that never happens again with one of her other girls.

'But don't mistake this for an excuse, Nicky. It won't be pleasant if you ever use again. You can be sure of that. And especially if you ever steal from me again!'

Nicky nods against her chest. 'I'm really sorry, mommy. I'll work hard and I'll get all of your stuff back.'

'I know you will, darling.' She rubs slow circles on Nicky's back. They sit like that for a few minutes. Red cherishes these moments. It's the little moments that make life big, but it's hard to even have little moments when you're constantly being watched.

She can feel Nicky doze off against her and whispers: 'Don't fall asleep on me, the guards will do their round soon.'

Reluctantly Nicky stands up. She awkwardly dries her eyes with her sleeve. 'Well – you know... Thank you.'

'Go to sleep now, honey. I'll come check on you before my breakfast duty if I can. If you feel any... urges, you come to me directly, understood?'

'Yes, ma'am.' Nicky makes a mock salute and Red shakes her head when she sees her little girl pulling on her brave face again.

'I'm happy you're back, Nicky. And I'm glad you came to see me. We'll get through this together. Now sleep and be good.' She lies back down and closes her eyes.

'Thank you, mommy.' Her little girl whispers.

Red hears the soft noise of feet pattering over the linoleum and falls asleep.


End file.
